I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
