I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
