it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
