I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
