She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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