I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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