singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
