I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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