I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
