how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
