I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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