Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
