Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
