Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
