why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
