1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
