My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
