im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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