Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
