her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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