Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
