Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
