I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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