I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
