How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
