I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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