dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
