How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
