My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
