So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
