she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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