I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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