i barfeds in our rink
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my being single is dangerous.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
