Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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