Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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