I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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