i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
