im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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