i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I want her autograph on my taint
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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