just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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