Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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