I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
