Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
