And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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