The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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