Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
