I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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