Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
