mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Everclear isn't food dammit
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
