fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
